TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely out of position. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have another put where by American Adult males can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: give Anyone a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he should really cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is already attracting attention from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down service."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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